LIBRARY OF MUSICAL SUMMARIES
Once upon a time, a friend told me he had never seen Phantom of the Opera and asked for "the nwalks version." I obliged in a barrage of unhinged text messages. People seemed to like it! Then I wrote synopses of other musicals on Twitter in exchange for proof of donations to the American Civil Liberties Union. I have done Les Miserables, Sunday in the Park with George, Rent, Ragtime, Dear Evan Hansen, the Great Comet, and The King & I, and the collected works are here.
DISCLAIMER 1: I LOVE MUSICALS. I LOVE THE PEOPLE WHO MAKE MUSICALS HAPPEN. THESE SUMMARIES ARE WRITTEN IN THE VOICE OF A VERY DUMB TEENAGE ALIEN ROBOT. THEY ARE NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY
DISCLAIMER 2: I think it is helpful to be drunk when reading these for I know it is helpful to be drunk when writing them
PHANTOM OF THE OPERA
(the one that started it all; this one was done via text message and I only have the screenshots now and I WON'T transcribe it and I WON'T apologize)
FRANCE. OLDEN TIMES. We are at one of those prisons where the prisoners do hard work such as lifting up heavy things and putting down heavy things. "Look down look down" they sing but cant help but look up every couple measures so they can sing something by themselves. Let them have their solos! Picking up and slamming down objects is a waste of these vibratos! Let them be in a jail choir! Whoopi Goldberg can polish their raw natural talent while a disapproving Sheryl Lee Ralph looks on! Is one of these soloists our protagonist, u wonder? (if u are so stupid and don't know how musicals work?) Of course not. Our protagonist shows up when a police w a Captain crunch hat says "bring me prisoner 24601". Enter PRISONER 24601! He giving u a full Tom Hanks in the middle of Cast Away extravaganza but w high notes . We love an old tenor ! He has been here 19 years bc he stole a loaf of bread for his sister's starving child. Can u imagine????? If Sephora is out of the lipstick color I want I do a full runway stomp out the door w the tester in hand!!!! And Sephora lipstick is much more money than a bread loaf! (Pls dont come for me captain crunch of Sephora) "U are being released, also yes my hat is fun but I am MEAN" say MEAN captain crunch. "I know u have been here for 19 years but we should re-tell each other our names just in case maybe we are in the first scene of a musical and an audience is gonna meet so many people over the approx. 1million hrs they are in this theater" PRISONER 8675309 say "good point. Im JEAN VALJEAN" and MEAN captain crunch say "I'm JAVERT". EXPOSITION ! VALJEAN leaves jail. He can't get a job or house but then a BISHOP lets him stay w him. VALJEAN steals silverware from BISHOP and run away. POLICE CATCH HIM but BISHOP saves him, says “ oh I gave the silver 2 him but he forgot my special gift— these fancy candlesticks”. WOw! VALJEAN give us a BIG NUMBER about how he's gonna change his life and hit some BIG NOTES while tearing up a piece of paper at the end same as me when I got a d+ on my report card in 10th grade . GEOMETRY! who need it
FLASH FORWARD MAYBE LIKE 5 YEARS OR SOMETHING? Who knows, Time is a construct !!!! We are at a factory. Everyone is sad at the factory wearing grey clothes and so many scarves. Truly if you dont have at least 7 scarves on or around ur head u are simply NOT working at this factory, this Factory singlehandedly costumed Debra messing on Smash . Enter FANTINE! Her head is adorned w a simple bonnet and not wrapped in swaddling clothes so u know she's an IMPORTANT CHARACTER w a SIGNIFICANT WIG. FANTINE is the girl at the factory all the dudes wanna get with and all the women wanna get fired. Smh internalized misogyny is so harmful! Girls why don't u rise up against ur chauvinist overseer instead of conspiring w him? Collusion w the patriarchy will not save u from its devastating ramifications on ur gender! They cant hear me but still I yell. FANTINES GROSS BOSS fires her for daring not to fuck him when he has recently found out not only has she had sex before, she has even had a sex that resulted in a CHILD. he also rhymes "virgin in the light" with "urgin' in the night" which oh wowwww get this motherfucker an appointment for Hamilton STAT!!!! "Existence is a relentless and soulcrushing hellscape of despair" FANTINE belts ON AN E VOWEL AFTER A MODULATION ! "True" u murmur while wiping tears at an ATM . Just like u, FANTINE is broke ! Unlike u (or maybe not! I dont know u and I dont judge u) she has become a prostitute to send money to the CHILD we talked about, and has also sold her beautiful lacefront wig so it can be crimped &used by Christina Aguilera in the Lady Marmalade music video. A DANDY STEVE BUSCEMI TYPE approach her and she's like oh no u seem like u are into weird foot stuff no thanks and they get in a fight and OH HO HOOOO CAPTAIN CRUNCH IS BACK! He arrest FANTINE. VALJEAN (who is now fancy, owns nightmare grey scarf factory) enter &say wait wtf this lady looks good in a corset and also seem nice. And FANTINE is like Hi sir u were there when I was fired but I wasn't in a corset and slut clothes then so u didnt give a fuck so fuck u right to hell. VALJEAN loves when women are mean to him (honestly? talk to my exes sweetie)so he devotes himself to helping her. Too bad she's about to die of syphilis which she DOES but she's like go find my daughter please and he's like ok cool will do but also Javert just found out I am Prisoner 24601 bc some stuff about recognizing my muscles (javert wants to hatefuck VALJEAN for sure) so let me hit a high note while escaping that sitch, THEN hold u while u die, then sing SO MUCH SEXUALLY CHARGED COUNTERPOINT W JAVERT, then run away
SCENE CHANGE and ENTER THE HERO OF THIS SHOW: HER NAME IS MOTHERFUCKING C O S E T T E AND U MUST SHOW HER THE RESPECT SHE HAS BEEN CONTINUALLY DENIED. She is a child singing a song about dreaming she's in a place where ppl are nice to her. Oh hey did *u* spend most of ur formative yrs dreaming about a place where ppl are nice to u while toiling in a place where everyone was so shitty & bad? Yes u DID HONEY its called MIDDLE SCHOOL and if u are here reading this U HAD A BAD TIME THERE ! Enter CHARACTER ACTRESS HONESTLY CHOKING ON SCENERY THIS WHOLE SHOW. "I hate u Cosette! Come over here my lil princess daughter Eponine" and a tiny bitch scampers out and models a hat (this girl she LOVE HATS and we gotta establish it early for hat storytelling ). COSETTE get banished to the woods by CHARACTER ACTRESS, CHARACTER ACTRESS and her husband CHARACTER ACTOR sing a big song about how they run a bad hotel and they make so much money running bad hotel and they hate each other so much but its fun to run bad hotel. "We love being at bad hotel” sing the chorus. Ummmm Ok, weirdos
FAST FWD SOME MORE YEARS. EVERYONE is sad again but somehow even sadder than they were the last time we flashed fwd! The ensemble is wearing MORE SCARVES! Theres a little chipmunk child there (note:when this character doesn’t have a cockney accent what is the fucking point. Cockney accents make children onstage bearable please dont argue) GROWNUP EPONINE run out! This hat queen rocking a dirty newsboy cap giving us a What If Anybodys Was A Newsie vibe. She and her parents are poor now honestly serves you right Hotel Bernie Madoff & Co. Enter A DELICATE MADAME ALEXANDER DOLL OF A BOY. “hello Marius” eponine mouthbreathes at him. “hello Eponine! We are friends. Nothing more. I have never given u any reason to assume we are more” say Marius. This will end well probably, and just then - COSETTE OUR QUEEN STRUT THRU. SHES RICH NOW YALLLLLLL THIS IS HER SHES ALL THAT STAIRCASE MOMENT Except instead of cute red spaghetti strap experience she's giving u a dress that Signora Fosca would look at and be like "too dowdy I feel like I want to show more body?" but then she threw a doily over it to make it flirty festive & fun - LESSON 1 THIS ICON TEACHES US: ACCESSORIZING BY IMPROVISING!
COSETTE run into OUR SWEET BABYDOLL MARIUS and she drop her stuff bc she Clumsy and Relatable ! MARIUS fall in love and Eponine watches it happen from under her newsboy cap. COSETTE is followed by VALJEAN who adopted her way back at the Worst Exotic Marigold Hotel. Enter A BUNCH OF BERNIE BROS YELLING !!! The main one for sure has a status every day that's like "______ IS JUST A DISTRACTION FROM ________" and you're like god damn enjolras why dont we maybe just accept that the whole world is burning down for many different reasons all at once ? LIFE IS A DISTRACTION FROM DEATH ENJOLRAS HOW ABOUT THAT! he’s also the hottest one though which is a shame bc his profile picture is undoubtedly some grainy photo of Karl Marx from a Facebook meme page. They sing about colors. Of course these fucking freshmen college boys are at a cafe talking about the meaning of colors, they vaped before their Physiology of Naps class and theyre feeling it now!!! They want to Rise up against oppressive regime! This is essentially My Shot but w vibrato. MARIUS walk in while they're all circlejerking it to their own echo chamber of political sentiment. "But now I want to jerk it to thoughts of a woman !!!!" says MARIUS. ENJOLRAS do not like this Yoko situation and literally says "who cares about ur lonely soul" and oh reader it is the funniest part of this entire show. They decide to revolt and ENJOLRAS says "do you hear the people sing" before any of the other people have started singing and reader I do think this is emblematic of the problems w their whole plan
Meanwhile COSETTE OUR QUEEN sopranos "my vagina is alive!!! WHAT" and PORCELAIN KEEBLER ELF MARIUS shows up at her gate like "hiiiiiii girl... I don't know what to say" and she straight up says "THEN MAKE NO SOUND!" which is LESSON #2 FROM OUR ICON COSETTE: DONT BE AFRAID TO TELL DULL STRAIGHT WHITE MEN TO JUST STAND THERE AND BE HANDSOME. EPONINE is also lurking thereabout to do alto counterpoint . then EPONINES DAD CHARACTER ACTOR shows up w his POOR GANG to rob VALJEAN !!!! EPONINE say nooooo and POOR GANG MAN say "what a PALAVER [2 watch this dad and daughter fight]" and we look up palaver and then have a good word to throw in an SAT essay maybe. EPONINE Scream to warn COSETTE AND MARIUS, everybody scatter, VALJEAN go "oh no probly JAVERT is AFTER ME LETS GO COSETTE! LETS GO AWAY!" VALJEAN sing. "Im lonely bc I have placed all my eggs in a basket that will never fuck me" belts Eponine. "Im gonna go undercover as a rebel bc the best episodes of SVU are the ones where Benson infiltrates a sex ring as a high profile madam" baritones JAVERT. EVERYONE ELSE IS SINGING TOO. THE SOUND IS BIG AND THERES STOMPING.I DONT KNOW WHAT ANYONES SAYING BUT I AM EXHILARATED !!!!! A good personality test: what part do u do when this song plays? IM FANTINE AKA SITTING IN MY DRESSING ROOM CHILLIN W CHARDONNAY IN HAND BABY
ACT 2! Praise god we've met everybody we are going to meet so I think this will be more efficient. The BERNIE BROS have begun their revolt. EPONINE is "dressed as a boy" but in that oldtimey way where she looks exactly the same just her hair is tucked up into her hat now, serving u that sweet "I LEFT NO RING W HER - WHAT MEANS THIS LADY" look. MARIUS gives her a letter to take to COSETTE ; she drops it off w VALJEAN and u have a panic attack thinking about ur dad seeing an iMessage from ur boyfriend. Luckily MARIUS is a sexless poppet boy so there's nothing incriminating, just probably questions about how she floated that C at the end of their duet that they didn't know was a trio bc of Eponine creeping. EPONINE sings a song about pretending Marius loves her and girl u have a good imagination why dont u put it to use in a productive and healthy manner? She goes back to the revolt and takes a bullet for MARIUS and we are supposed to think it's so beautiful but noooooo stop romanticizing the idea of sacrificing yourself for men! Let's not aspire to it! AIM HIGHER! LETS ALL AIM HIGHER PLEASE
The BERNIE BROS are about as good at fighting as JAVERT is at acting like he is not a narc which is to say NOT GOOD! JAVERT is discovered immediately but it doesn't matter bc the BERNIE BROS are so bad at fighting they let OLD MAN MUSCLES VALJEAN help them. VALJEAN asks if he can kill JAVERT himself and you know JAVERT is like "oh please hatefuck me to death" but instead VALJEAN mercifully sets him free and he's so disappointed he kills himself. THE BERNIE BROS start dying nonstop and the "revolution" ends but VALJEAN survives and saves MARIUS by strapping everyone's favorite WELL-INTENTIONED CABBAGE PATCH PRINCE on his back
COSETTE and MARIUS get married. VALJEAN is gravely ill and says "COSETTE if u want to know everything about me heres links to my Xanga and LiveJournal". FANTINE and EPONINE come to usher him to heaven . Even in the afterlife EPONINE does not get to sing a melody line . "Really? EPONINE got an invite to ur death party? U MET HER ONE FUCKING TIME" screams JAVERT from the depths of hell. THE END
GEORGE enters. "hey young viewers I am so hot I am going to forever fuck up your perception of how you should be treated by men as far as just like a baseline division of emotional labor goes! Your therapist is gonna be like WHY ARE U LIKE THIS and then youll show them this vid of Young Mandy Patinkin in its entirety to make them understand and they will shake their head like natalie u dont have insurance anymore U need to leave" george says directly to u
DOT enters. She is George's gf and she is doing modeling for him. She sings a big song about how annoying it is to model and she's so uncomfortable and bitch have u seen the Next top model episode where they had to model bikinis on a roof in below freezing temps? ELYSE ALMOST DIED!!!!!!11 they go home. dot take a bath and george do his Big Art and they sing individually but then they look at each other and hold a note for a long time because there's nothing like eyefucking to completion on a fermata. after they put their eyeclothes back on dot is like "arent u gonna clean up bc u promised me we would go to the follies." he is like no nvm i think im gonna wait for Victoria Clark to replace also I have to finish the hat.! THIS IS IMPORTANT THAT HE SAYS THIS It's gonna be important later you have to trust me.
SUNDAY IN THE PARK WITH GEORGE
Dot is so mad about the follies that in the very next scene she has a new bf named LOUIS!!!! Louis is a baker and he likes her so much and there is really and truly no way he Fucks. Dot tries to make us believe he Fucks by saying he kneads her like dough but that sounds bad? Like sir dont be trying to massage me while you fuck me ! Either the massage or the sex is going to suffer! 2-in-1 SHAMPOO/CONDITIONER DOESNT WORK AND LEAVES UR HAIR THIRSTY AND LIFELESS! Anyway george is being performatively Not JeAlous and then he sing a song about how he can't fully be with someone because part of him is always going to be FINISHING A HAT ( remember how he said that before????? do u remember) and we go ohhhh yes I now understand that u are a person dealing w the debilitating illness "White man's malaise" induced by the infection "Pathological need to suffer"
Dot Who Is Now Pregnant By The Way go over to George's house to tell him she's moving to America w Louis Who Absolutely Cannot Fuck and george is like oh k and dots like CAN U SAY WHAT U ARE FEELING and george say "no" and dots like WHAT IF I BELT AT YOU WHILE BLINKING BACK BEAUTIFUL UNSHED TEARS and george is like hmmmm impressed by ur placement i will put u in the painting I am doing? and then he's like "I mean u are the one driving this breakup u asking for the SLIGHTEST BIT OF RECIPROCATED CARE = u trying to RADICALLY ALTER MY BODY CHEMISTRY!!!! IF I WERE TO SUPPORT U OR BE THERE FOR U I WOULD NOT BE ME SO I GUESS U DONT REALLY LOVE ME" and dot moves to America and george put her in his big painting and when he is finishing it he moves her hand ever so tenderly into place and u forget all the times he was so shittyand ur crying "he loves her so so so much and this is the only way he can show her!!!!!!" EVEN THO HE HAD SO MANY VERY EASY OPPORTUNITIES TO SHOW HER OTHER WAYS IN ADDITION TO ART WAYS but too late u are not thinking about it ur head can't focus on anything but whether u would look cute w a parasol ! (SPOILER: you wouldnt! U would look like a ghost who died in a tragic clockmaking accident at a steampunk festival)
ACT TWO. George's greatgrandson is an Artist named George too - in the 1980s! He does lots of stuff w like... PowerPoints? I guess? He's presenting his new work and there's lights and laser pointers and it all sounds like the THX presentation before movies. His grandma MArie is with him and starts talking about how she's George Seurat's daughter and George is an unbelievable dick about it. The presentation goes awry a bunch of times because this new WarGames computer technology is so hard to work. George's assistant/stage manager person says he's goin back to NASA bc its less pressure and the audience does a knowing chuckle bc we are Sophisticated and we know Art is Very Hard To Make but also honestly the Hidden Figures probably would not have had a problem doing the job that this frail white boy is so stressed out about. Fuck u Jim Parsons* ! (*u would be a good Jules)
Old lady MArie it must be stated is played by the same actress who played Dot in the first act and boy oh boy do we never ever forget this for one second! It is cute until it starts getting kind of annoying to listen to the same voice the actress used when she played Mrs Mullin in Carousel her sophomore year at the University of Michigan. Luckily right when we start not enjoying thisMArie DIES and George goes to La Grande Jatte and he sees Ghost of Dot and they sing about belonging together and fucking gross dude that's your greatgrandma how bout u chill out u musical theatre Marty McFly??? he is inspired to create new work and probably his next big work of art will go on to become the first Microsoft screensaver ! Art is healing and good and love and what a happy ending for everyone except once again all the people who watched this at an age when they were too young to understand that George Should Not Be Romanticized because George Does Not Deserve Love because Love Is Different From Recognition ! THE END
Enter MARK and ROGER. "I suck and I wear glasses" says MARK. "I suck and I have scruff" says ROGER. You have 100% dated both of them at some point. It is december 24th, 9pm. We know bc Mark sings it into his camera. He is doing a documentary of his friends and its like cloverfield if the cloverfield monster didn't kill everyone but you simply wish it did so much. Get a better narrative for your movie MARK!!!!! Your friends are not that interesting!!!! To this end guys you must stop making earnest web series about how CRAZY it is being a struggling actor in New York!!!!! I promise we all know auditions are hard and a lot of times at auditions the people dont like you
Back to Glasses & Scruff Attorneys at Law. Their friend COLLINS calls! Collins is so fucking cool & he has A Real Job as a Professor. he gets mugged bc all the people w Real Jobs in rent deserve to get their shit wrecked and that is the rules of Rent. Their friend BENNY calls! (So much of Rent is on PHONES) Benny also has a real job I think doing owning buildings. He used to be good friends w mark and Roger but now he is their landlord bc he is doing having a real job and mark is doing essentially a Snapchat story on a camcorder. "Why dont u suck so much like us" Mark & Roger yell into the phone bc they are so mad Benny is an adult man who is a lot more handsome than them. "Please pay your rent to me, a rational human being" says Hot Benny. Mark &Roger say "FUCK U our straight white masculinity should not be taxed!!!!!!" now they sing a big song! We like it bc they do a good harmony at the end
We have previously discovered thru phone call exposition that Mark's exgirlfriend MAUREEN is a lesbian and is doing a show. Her microphone is broken and she calls mark for help. Mark agrees because he still does nice things for her as he is hoping her homosexuality is a phase and he can be there to swoop in later on (I see you Mark don't you dare think I don't you little softboy). He meets Maureen's girlfriend JOANNE and they sing song about how Maureen loves to fuck everybody while fixing the mic.
COLLINS! Collins meets a beautiful drag queen named ANGEL. It's GREAT and we LOVE IT. We also learn the word "purloined"! Dope. also they are both hiv positive
Enter MIMI!!!! Mimi is wearing PANTS and we are all freaking out about it. Roger tells her she looks like his girlfriend who died because it's a solid way to let a woman know you are interested in Fucking her but also you are Sensitive and have A Past. He also says she looks like she's 16 because he is A Liar but that's cool bc she then says she's 19 so clearly she is also A Liar. these two pathological motherfuckers deserve each other. But they get in a fight bc Mimi likes doing Drugs and Roger used to do drugs but now just wears the flannel pants of a drug user
Everybody goes to see MAUREEN do performance art. It is not good ! I think we are not supposed to think it is good but we are still supposed to be on her side and support that she is doing it, sort of like a grunge 90s Florence Foster Jenkins. YAY FOR UNEXCEPTIONAL WHITE WOMEN TRYING THEIR BEST!
After the performance everybody go to a restaurant and act like actual nightmares. This song is fun to every person who has never worked at a restaurant and to every person who has worked at a restaurant it is a harrowing & sobering reminder of every night you spent fucking 4hrs doing side work waiting to close while some dumb jagoffs who absolutely were going to make you split the check 17 ways & then forget to tip kept yelling that they needed the wifi password. Also Roger finds out Mimi is hiv positive so he can feel ok about falling in love w her bc he thought she was frivolous but now he respects her bc she Suffers like him
ACT 2! AIDS is in the air. Mimi and Roger fight and break up. Maureen and Joanne fight and break up. Mark and his scarf are growing apart. Collins and Angel though are perfect which means one of them must die because once again the rules of Rent is well-adjusted kind people get their shit wrecked the hardest. Angel dies. Everyone gives a mini-eulogy and Maureen's is iconic and if I ever auditioned at Juilliard my audition pieces would be for my contemporary monologue: Maureen's eulogy and for my classical monologue: Maureen's eulogy in a British accent
NOW COLLINS SINGS A REPRISE OF HIS & ANGEL'S LOVE DUET THAT YOU DIDNT SUPER ENJOY IN THE 1ST ACT BUT NOW YOU ARE LIKE OH I GET WHY WE HAD THAT SONG NOW. This section is v good v sad. You will do crying even if you have hated the rest of the show. After the funeral everyone yells at each other sometimes in nice harmonies
Mark is offered money for his footage of a riot that happened at Maureen's goodbad performance art but he turns it Down because money is for fucking posers. He and Roger sing a song about how they suck and will continue sucking forever bc it's important to be true to yourself even if you truly suck so much all the time 24/7
MIMI UPDATE: SHES DYING! Maureen and Joanne have brought her to Mark and Roger. Roger finally says NO YOU CANT DIE YOU MUST LIVE... IN ORDER TO LISTEN TO MY MEDIOCRE SONG. You guys I can't stress enough that you have dated this man. Mimi is revived by this okay song because at the very end of it he sings her name very high w excellent placement on an e vowel which is the most impressive and selfless thing he has done in two and a half hours
MIMI & ROGER ARE TOGETHER. MAUREEN & JOANNE ARE TOGETHER. BENNY & ALLISON ARE TOGETHER I THINK BUT I DONT SUPER REMEMBER. MARK & SCARF ARE TOGETHER. COLLINS IS ALONE :-( BUT HE HAS FRIENDS :-) BUT THEY SUCK :-( THE END
1902, AMERICA. A BUNCH OF WHITE PEOPLE WEARING IVORY AND CREAM TONES ARE ONSTAGE LOOKING LIKE THE WINDOW DISPLAY IN AN OLD TIMEY CLUB MONACO. They introduce themselves individually in between singing hooty and staccato at the same time "I'm Father. I love Fox News. Once I met Tucker Carlson in an elevator and was hard for 10 hours after " says FATHER. "I'm Mother. Years ago I met a little girl and told her ecru sweaters are the secret to happiness and do u know what that little girl's name was? Ann Taylor Loft" says MOTHER. "I'm Younger Brother. I wear THIS IS WHAT A FEMINIST LOOKS LIKE tshirts and post them on Instagram with a discreet Amaro filter but also I don't understand why you won't fuck me when I am SO NICE TO U" says YOUNGER BROTHER. "I'm Grandfather. I am also here onstage" says GRANDFATHER.
Father says "there were gazebos and there were no negroes" and before we can question the validity of this rhyme THE BLACK PEOPLE ENTER AND THE SHOW IMMEDIATELY BECOMES BETTER. "I'm Brian Stokes Mitchell and if you are jerking off to the sound of me doing talking you are very unprepared for what lies ahead" says COALHOUSE. "I'm Audra McDonald and your life is going to be very different now Natalie" says SARAH. "I'm booker t washington because History" says BOOKER T WASHINGTON. "There were no negroes, and there were no immigrants" sing the white people because we have now given up on rhyming entirely
IMMIGRANTS ENTER TO KLEZMER MUSICS! "I'm Tateh and you are going to skip most of my songs and I forgive you" says TATEH. "I'm Lea Michele and I would describe the musical Ragtime as the story of a poor immigrant's daughter. It's a one woman show and it's strenuous but fulfilling !" says LEA MICHELE. "We are Harry Houdini, JP MOrgan, Henry Ford, Emma Goldman, and Evelyn Nesbit bc once more for the people in back: HISTORY" say ALL OF THEm. This is all the opening number and it is straight up THE FUCKING BEST OPENING NUMBER And the sound designer turns Audra's microphone way up at the very end like he's winking "don't worry I got u" and u do not stop clapping
Father goes away on a sea expedition no one cares he's boring except he does 2 notable things on boat; he REFUSE TO SHAKE A BLACK MANS HAND and he SING A GOOD TRIO SONG W MOTHER AND TATEH ABOUT HOW HE IS ON A JOURNEY GOING OFF ON A RICH MANS VACAY, TATEH IS ON A JOURNEY TO MAGIC DREAM OF AMERICA, MOTHER ON A JOURNEY OF DOING FLOWER STUFF BY HERSELF. Tateh and LEA MICHELE are in America now. Enter THE CITY OF NEW YORK! ! "I am a bad place to live" says NEW YORK. "I know" you say softly to yourself gently hugging ur knees to u as u rock back and forth
True to her word MOTHER is out doing some independent flower stuff and digs up a LIVE BABY buried by Sarah. MOTHER takes in both baby and Sarah bc she knows only her sprawling Caucasian home will be big enough to house all of Audra McDonald's awards. FINALLY COALHOUSE IS HERE TO SING!!! He is the father of Sarah's baby. He was shitty to her because musicians generally are Shitty to Women but this one looks and sounds like Brian Stokes Mitchell so he gets a pass. He goes to Stepford and woos Sarah back by reminding her they sound so fucking good together. Like they sound good together when he is downstairs and she is in the ATTIC so you can't even imagine what it will be like when they are standing next to each other and also a Car. Oh now they *are* standing next to each other and also a Car??? THIS IS TRANSCENDENT. Oh also father came back home no one cares he's obsolete
A bunch of white men fuck up coalhouses car and he is mad and no one will help him so then he says he won't get married until someone fixes his car which is ???logic ???? It feels like those things do not track but ok coalhouse ravage my body soon. The president comes to town and the show is like "hey remember William McKinley just got killed before this" and you are like yes show I have seen Assassins I fucking know and Sarah tries to go up to the president to ask him to help coalhouse but the secret service think she has a gun and beat her to death. This part is hard to talk about in a funny way bc theres tears on my phone screen
INTERMISSION! now is a good time to tell u in the novel Ragtime theres a scene where younger brother sneaks into a closet and watches Emma Goldman give Evelyn Nesbit a massage and he jerks off to completion and falls out of the closet while he cums. This is real guys books are fucking wild
ACT 2! Coalhouse misses Sarah so much he'skilling people and setting shit on fire and like ok I did all thatwhen Audra didnt get a tony nom for Shuffle Along, step up ur outrage darling. Meanwhile TATEH is rich now bc he did some flipbooks and said "The pictures move... i call them mooo-vieee books?" and youre like show r u trying to tell me tateh invented movies? SHOW! U are Doing Too Much. He's filming in Atlantic City where White Family is taking a nice vacay from addressing systemic racism& confronting their complicity in the perpetuation of white supremacy. Mother and Tateh hang out on beach and want to fuck BAD but cant bc Father still lurking. However over the course of this show MOTHER Has learned how to have a CHEST VOICE &SHES READY TO STAND CENTER STAGE AND USEEEE ITTTT !!!! YES HONEY POP THAT NECK VEIN
COALHOUSE takes over J.P. Morgan library. Police surround. Booker t Washington says "it's me from history and the opening number! Don't do this" and coalhouse says hmmm ok. Father is there too. Also remember that handshaking stuff? well Father SHAKES COALHOUSE's HAND and the audience all APPLAUDS bc this is how little effort straight white men have to exert to exceed expectations! Coalhouse leaves and the police kill him and again my iTelephone is very prone to water damage.
FATHER DIES ON A DUMB BOAT LIKE HE SHOULD. MOTHER AND TATEH FUCK. COALHOUSE AND SARAH REUNITE IN HEAVEN AND IN THE SHOW SHUFFLE ALONG WHICH ARE THE SAME THING. THE END
DEAR EVAN HANSEN
TIME: NOW. PLACE; im not totally sure (seems like maybe the kind of area where Boy Meets World took place). Moms are out here being moms - 2 moms to be exact, ROCKER MOM and PREPPY MOM. I wonder if they have more in common than they might think !!! "Being moms is hard bc understanding teens is hard " say moms. This song is cute but its not what we are here for , its like when Gossip Girl thought u cared about like Rufus' band's concert or whatever and like I DONT CARE ABOUT RUFUS' BAND GIVE ME HORNY TEENS!
Speaking of Horny teens enter BEN PLATT whose voice is about to help a lot of adolescent boys figure some stuff out. 1 GLAAD award for Ben Platts vibrato please! Ben Platt doesn't have friends because people at his school don't know he sings like Ben Platt. He has a therapist who tells him to write letters to himself so he can have confidence to get thru the day and whatnot like "dear Ben Platt stop being so sad u are undoubtedly going to win an Antoinette Perry Award for this performance". Does Ben Platt have aspergers or is he just lonely sensitive awkward? Nobody knows. It is a big mystery like Amelia earhart and we'll never have the answers but we will listen to him sing I Want song! HES DOING GOOD SINGING AND WE ARE LIKE OHHHH HO HO OK BEN PLATT WE DIDNT * KNOW* WHEN U WERE DOING MAGICS IN PITCH PERFECT OR QUEENING OUT OVER MERYL STREEPS CRIMPED CLIPIN HAIR EXTENSIONS IN RICKI &THE FLASH. Wow GOOOOOOOD SINGING GOOOOOD EMOTING also please MT boys when you put your version of this song on YouTube dont fucking use the tag Ben Platt I will be so mad if im looking specifically for Ben Platt doin this song and have to sift thru a bunch of vids in black box theaters of u in a vest singing w a piano that is too loud
Enter Ben platt's family friend JARED. JARED wears glasses and is good at computers so u think maybe ok this nerd he will be nice to Ben Platt. WRONG! he is actually a bully but like a bully in an 80s movie where he's not the main bully he's the boy who stands slightly behind and to the right of the main bully & gives the main bully highfives. JARED has several Reddit accounts and was so mad when the GHOSTBUSTERS were being WOMEN not in the way where he was openly yelling "FUCK U CUNTS" but in the quietly insidious way where he would be like "I mean if I'm being honest I don't think changing the gender actually adds anything and also reboots are so lame" like ooook meanwhile this motherfucker 1st in line @ the midnight showing of New Stars To Trek starring Chris Pine (PRINCE from Meryl Streep is In into the Woods Now)
Enter A HOT EMO BOY WHO REMINDS ME I NEED TO LISTEN TO TAKING BACK SUNDAY BC "CUTE WITHOUT THE E" acCTUALLY DOES HOLD UP. He's brooding and mean and he gets ahold of Ben Platts sad "dear Ben Platt " letter which is embarrassing bc Ben Platt wants to fuck hot emo boys sister so so much. HOT EMO BOY kills himself. Everyone is sad! But his parents find Dear Ben Platt letter and assume Ben Platt was friends w their smoking hot son. Ben Platt jumps at this & we are supposed to be ok w it I guess ? Bc he's Lonely! He LIES about how they were BFFs and JARED helps him fake some Emails and honestly WHERE THE FUCK IS JAMES COMEY NOW. THESE EMAILS ARE FUCKED ! BEN PLATT SENDS PHOTOS OF TREES TO HIS DEAD FRIEND ?? WHAT DoES THE TREES OF IT ALL MEAN! EMO BOYS SISTER is like what did my brother say about me and Ben Platt sings a song where he lists all his own reasons for wanting to fuck her. verbatim lyrics from this song "UR BROTHER TOLD ME 'my sister is fuckable when she tucks her hair behind her ear, my sister is incredibly fuckable while reading old issues of J-14, I wanted to fuck my sister most when she had Christina Aguilera circa the 'Ven Conmigo' music video lowlight hair streaks" and after this song EMO BOYS SISTER (now called ZOE for that is her NAME) is like wow I am charmed by Ben Platt &his detailed rundown of how bad my brother wanted to fuck me I guess
A MAIN RULE OF DEAR EVAN HANSEN IS EVERYONE IN THIS SHOW IS ALWAYS WEARING A BACKPACK. I'm glad there's no fuck scenes bc I literally dont know how Zoe and Ben Platt would fuck while weRing several backpacks the whole time. BEING YOUNG IS ABOUT WEARING BACKPACKS!!!!! Anyway Ben Platt starts a club to remember Conor Oberst From Bright Eyes. He does a speech about how no one should feelalone and the video goes VIRAL bc this is a very 2017 musical ! The video gets the club crazy numbers raising money for like... a Kickstarter to have trees in a park? Which ok Ben Platt enough w trees fucked up you're not raising money for suicide prevention/mental health awareness but for Your Weird Tree Hobby. Also he has fully ingratiated himself into Dead Bassist for Simple Plan's family and the dad teaches him to break in a baseball glove in a searingly real depiction of how boring old white dudes are & how little they have to say. The family offers to pay for his college & ROCKER MOM is like HEY IM BACK BELTING W HEALTHY RASP ABOUT BEING MAD BC I WORK HARD AS A SINGLE MOM WHILE BEN PLATT IS OVER HERE TRYIN TO SINGLE WHITE FEMALE HIS WAY INTO GOOD CHARLOTTE CADAVER's LIFE
Ben Platt is FOUND OUT. he sings a good song about how bad he feels but also u established relationships w ppl based on lying to them about their dead relative so like yes the LEAST u can do is sing a rangy song &give us REAL TEARS in the process THANK u. He goes home and ROCKER MOM says ILL BE HERE and this is the moment dear Evan Hansen defeated me, forcing me to create tears in my eyeballs . 1 YR LATER ben Platt has a talk w Zoe in the park he made for himself. I bet Zoe has made progress w good vague tweets about trust, betrayal, men being trash etc & her friends prob would be mad she's talking to him but also my highschool ex who destroyed my life asked to " grab coffee" this wk and I said "sounds great!" so I GET IT. LONELY SAD BOYS ARE SEDUCTIVE. THE END
Enter NATASHA and the 2nd billed star of this show NATASHAS COAT (also a man as well but he run away soon, is very secondary to COAT. This fucking COAT you GUYS !) Enter JOSH GROBAN IN A PREGNANCY BELLY PROSTHETIC "WAITRESS" LEFT AT A.R.T. "Im casually establishing there is a WAR and that guy u just saw is NATASHAS BF ANDREY and he is GONE NOW" says PREGNANT JOSH GROBAN. your MOM grabs ur arm and says "is that one josh Groban?!!!?! He let himself go!!!" and u tell her to be quiet bc the show has started and she is so bad at whispering. Each character walks out and introduces themselves w 1 descriptor like in improv 101 where ur meeting everyone in a circle & u have to go like "IIIIIIIM JUMPING JOE" "IIIIIM RADICAL RACHEL" "IIIIM NATALIE &I STRUGGLE W DEPRESSION"
"What about PIERRE?" everybody says and jesus we just met so many people and now more-- ohh u mean JOSH GROBAN ? is that who u mean, show? We are supposed to be calling him PIERRE now? Excuse me show this man is MULTIPLATINUM RECORDING ARTIST JOSHUA GROBAN I cannot be so easily fooled. But for the sake of space fine PIERRE it is ok. PIERRE is doing much malaise much ennui - u remember George from Sunday in the Park w him ? It's like that but instead of Paint&easel there is now accordion&pregnancy prosthetic. PIERRE has money+a hot wife but he is too Sensitive not to be mildly to moderately dissatisfied w existence. "im sad which means im smarter than everyone around me" sings PIERRE but then he think "or maybe... ...what if.. everybody else has sadness as well??? but theyre not rich white men so they dont get societal endorsement to openly luxuriate in it??? " PIERRES mind is blown by this to such a degree he disappears for 45 minutes
THE GREAT COMET
NATASHA, COAT, & cousin (INGRIDMICHAEL-)SONYA arrive in MOSCOW &meet their FANCY AUNT. "WELCOME TO MY HOUSE NATASHA, COAT, & PERSON STANDING NEAR COAT. I AM LUCILLE BALL& ALSO TERRIFYING! I AM YOUR FAVORITE CHARACTER " says FANCY AUNT EMPRESS OF CHOICES. next NATASHA &COAT go to ANDREY's house . "It sucks here and I hate it" says ANDREYS SISTER a lonely fragment of a Russian nesting doll left in a lost&found . "It sucks here and I love it" says ANDREYS DAD a frail lizard king. NATASHA & COAT say ok goodbye this house smells like stale werthers originals I am going to sing mybbig song where there is nicer lightingthank you ! She DO! We love it, maybe imagine how our life would be different if we were ingenue, think about facial symmetry, etc. Now EVERYBODY go to the OPERA EXCEPT COAT AND PIERRE (I know . I miss coat too, but NATASHA want to serve the ppl ARMS and can we blame her? no. dont slutshame) OPERA is weird ! Enter SOME KIND OF SEX ALIEN???? Like Draco Malfoy if he was having the hair of a blonde jimmy Neutron. This fuck creature from a distant woodland fairy kingdom is ANATOLE and it's about to become very Cinemax-after-11:35pm in this opera box! ANATOLE flirts & NATASHA is HAVING IT but feeling GUILT about HAVING IT!
PIERRE is back. ANATOLE says "hiiii Pierre lets go to the club GIVE ME MONEY" anD PIERRE DOES and he doesnt even do the thing where u look over ur friend's shoulder to make sure they are remembering to venmo u, so u know hes for sure being taken advantage of a lot! They go CLUBBING. PIERRES POWERFULLY SEXPOSITIVE WIFE HELENE (ANATOLES SISTER) makes out w her SOLDIER SIDEPIECE and PIERRE says "uhhhh hey even tho I have shown ZERO interest in u I dont want ppl to call me a cuck HELLO SERGEANT SIDEPIECE LETS DUEL!" PIERRE shoots him in arm, he straightup misses PIERRE entirely, HELENE DESERVES BETTER LIKE MAYBE HER BROTHER ? Dont look at me like that they have a lot of chemistry ! Cruel Intentions instilled some stuff in me that has yet to be extracted & i wont apologize : ) PIERRE sings song about will he ever love someone??? & he GRIPPING onto the stage rails like its a ship, hes Jack & his pregnancy prosthetic is Rose & we are maybe doing eye water ugh feelings are GAUCHE and they must be STOPPED. HELENE goes to NATASHA & says "my brother wants to fuck u. come to our party" NATASHA:"i have a fiancé" HELENE:"my brother wants to fuck u. come to our party. u will get attention!" NATASHA:"ok". that's right Punkrock Eartha Kitt delivered unto us a SHOWSTOPPER & u will do as she instructs! NATASHA goes to party & KISSES ANATOLE O NO SHE IN DANGER
ACT 2! EVERYONE writes LETTERS to remind us:OLDEN TIMES . If ur lucky u may be given a LETTER . If not, u have to deal w the fact that no one in the ensemble found u visually compelling . Sorry! "Hi andrey I'm sad & I hear Natasha is hot now . Good job" say Pierre. "Hi natasha im sad i dont have friends & I shouldnt have been mean just bc im jealous of ur very excellent coat" say Mary. "Hi no one im sad & I have nobody to talk to about wrestling w my nascent sexuality in a time & place where female self-discovery is heavily discouraged" say Natasha. "HELLOOOOO BABYGIRL IM GONNA FUCK UR WHOLE HOUSE TO THE GROUND" say Anatole but SIDEPIECE ghostwrites for him bc probably Anatoles nails are drying &he paid extra for gel. He plans to steal away w Natasha&coAt so he can have sex w them. INGRIDMICHAELSONYA intercepts the sext! She decides to snitch &sings a song about friendship I wish had been around in 4th grade when my "BEST FRIEND" iced me out for eating her Smartfood at lunch : (
EVERYBODY GET READY TO HELP ANATOLE SNATCH NATASHA&COAT! BIG song much dancing! but then AUNT says "NOPE" and remember how she is Lucille ball and also terrifying? This is the switch! EVERYBODYS dicks are scared, even ANATOLE's formerly v intrepid one! She says Pierre stop wallowing go banish ur insatiable fuck beast of a brotherinlaw. He DOES. Then he goes to visit NATASHA. She is so sad. (Coat is nowhere to be found) he is so tender to her w no expectation of anything in return and it's VERY FUCKING MOVING and MUSIC STOPS AND HE DOES TALKING THE ONLY TIME IN THE WHOLE SHOW TO TELL HER HOW WORTHY SHE IS OF LOVE AND HAPPINESS and we sit here like "oh wow I GET this moment of utterly selfless care bc sometimes my ex will fav my good tweets". We ALL say this ! THE END
THE KING & I
We meet a BOAT. The BOAT is so big and keep getting bigger and the man in front of you makes a joke to his wife like "is it going to hit us?!" and if you had known he was going to loudly hum along with all the songs the whole show you would have prayed for this to happen! There is a Little Boy who is like if the Little Boy in Ragtime developed a fatal allergy to charisma but we dont say this out loud because he is a Child so it’s not ok to acknowledge that he is annoying
Anyway we are in SIAM. Next a woman in a big skirt enters. "Hello I amKelli o Hara and I want a tony award !" says the big skirt woman. Her name is Anna! she is here to do teaching. she sing a song about how she likes to whistle when she is scared so nobody will know and it’s like hey idiot u just fuckin told us so now we know what ur M.O. is! she starts whistling at the end of the scene and were sitting there like hey the jig is up sugar we know ur fuckin SCARED and so does your son who truly sucks so much
Anna Skirt goes to the king’s palace to teach his kids. surprise! the king is very hot but also very misogynistic. i doubt he knows or cares about the g-spot. but who has time to devote to the g-spot when you have one million wives and children?! Oh man he has so many kids. The sequence where we meet all the children is a never-ending slide show of when your friends go home for the holidays and assume you want to see approximately 733 photographs of them w their niece. You start out like “awwww” and then youre just like "ok why so many photos of this tiny person who only has developed 2-3 signature poses? i have at least 7 and you didn’t even comment on my headshot album"
FAST FORWARD anna and the king are friends and a bunch of white people are coming over to judge if he is civilized or not. his song Shall We Dance is a good song about two people realizing that the other one is fuckable. Like when you are working at a restaurant and you go to the Christmas party and you see the waiters not in neckerchiefs for the first time like oh hellloooooo nurse???? that’s this! she is wearing an off-the-shoulder neckline and it’s very sensual and the king gets pretty close to straight up fucking her in the hollow of her clavicle BUT THEN his favorite lil concubine Tuptim, who is his favorite because she can sing coloratura soprano while looking Tight in a belly shirt, try to run away with her lover Lun Tha. King kills Lun Tha!!!!
Tuptim is about to get whipped but then White Savior Anna of the Skirts that Are Big says NO NO !!111 and King stops but then Tuptim is like “im going to go kill myself” and we’re like noooooo but u got that tight body and beautiful voice hang onto life a little longer and u can probably book Jasmine in Aladdin! But alas she is gone.
NOW Anna is so mad at the king and they aren’t friends and her shoulders are covered. bUT WAIT WAIT THE KING IS BECOMING DYING!!!!! so anna remembers the song that Ruthie Ann Miles of Iconic Performances in Here Lies Love & This Show Too sang to her about how the king is a fuckboy but sometimes he will do something that is a nonfuckboy move and it is earthshatteringly impressive because he so rarely is not a fuckboy, and she goes to see him before he dies, and they reconcile even though she never got to get her clavicle hollow rocked by him. she also decides to stay in siam so that maybe her shitty son will learn to not be so shitty by hanging out w the king’s cool son. HERES HOPING! THE END